An Unemployed Sinner

Well, I am currently uemployed at the moment. Again. And a bit pissed off about it this time! For the past year and a half, I have been working for a really shitty employer, a British firm offering compliance services. In the time I was employed with this company, I was the Receptionist, Office Manager, Travel Coordinator, Finance & HR Assistant, and Executive Assistant to Chief Executive Officer and the Chief Marketing Officer. I gave a 110% and lived paycheck to paycheck. It was a shitty job that I took in a moment of weakness and paid with my sanity each and every day.

This is certainly the job that everyone tells you that the termination is a blessing in disguise...and they are completely right. Yet my mounting bills, unpaid rent, and financial\mental stability is telling me otherwise. I have been holding the stress and anxiety at bay with the help of some distracting friends, but I could erupt at any moment, and it won't be pretty. I am not looking forward to this moment and I pray to God, that it does not come to that. Speaking of which...

It is in these moments, unemployed and anxious, that I wonder how different my life would be had I continued to be a regular, faithful church goer. My mother unfailing asks me to go to church in almost all of our conversations. And because I love her and want to tell her what she wants to hear, I give her false hope as if I will go. Sometimes in those moments, I really believe I will commit to the action and go through with it. I will get dressed and walk to the nearest church with evening services and go through the door. So far, in the past decade, I have promised every time, but have never actually followed through with my vows. Of course, I feel guilty about my repeated broken but I don't regret my need to I give her false hope. I am not ready for her know how little hope I have in my heart, and I think one of these days, I will stick to my promise.

With regards to my character, on the other hand, I feel it would be completely hyprocritical of me to go to church to ask for help because I am need. If I go, I want it to be of my own volition and desire for redemption.

Now you can see the quandry to to this issue: Do I go to church to make my mother happy, or do I wait until I feel the compulsion?

In either case: My mother just says that God would appreciate the effort. Maybe she's right. Probably.